Don't Start What You Can't Finish

Having done a lot of ministry and given numerous talks to teens the question of "how far is too far" often comes up when discussing relationships, chastity and purity, and femininity and masculinity. This summer I spoke with my Totus Tuus teammate, Katherine, about the question in great lengths because I found myself stumbling for an answer. Well the truth is, as many chastity speakers have said, purity is not about how far can you go but how high can you aim. Better questions to ask yourself are: how much can we glorify God in this relationship? How can we lead one another to sainthood? How pure can we be (what is purity?)? How can we love one another with Christ's love?
I would have to argue that a relationship that isn't searching to answer these better questions is going to have a really hard time being chaste. I know personally in my own relationship once Jake and I started discussing the value of purity in our relationship and very intentionally turning our relationship to God through the hands of Our Lady that the "how far is too far" question wasn't about what is sinful and whats not but how can I respect and honor you as totally belonging to God and how can I help you be a saint.
Nonetheless it is a good thing to know and ask. I say this because we like concrete rules to understand virtues. we like our actions to define our hearts. Often we hear opinions of how to act in a pure relationship. Some say don't kiss until you're married. Some say just don't have sex and do whatever else you want.
I would say that the question needs to be asked not so much as to see how far you can go in order to be morally stable while getting the satisfaction you desire (which just doesn't make sense because you start making God's laws abide by you and your desires) but rather a relationship needs to be focused on one another's ultimate purpose and calling - to be holy, to be saints. The question then becomes what are we doing that is drawing us from Christ-like virtue? and what is it that we are doing that is appropriate in the face of God and leading us to sainthood?
To be practical and satisfy this "how far is too far" question, I would say: Don't start what you cannot finish.
Before Marriage we do not have the Sacramental Grace to love in the way sex calls for. Simply, we cannot be total self gifts if we are not vowed to one another for a life long commitment. So why even try to go down that road? If the actions that you perform with your boyfriend or girlfriend get you ready for something you are not able to do than that's too far.
This is a hard thing to do. "Well we were just kissing and then that led to more and then and then..."
I would say recognize in your own heart and in your relationship where you cannot go without it getting you ready for sex. Practice self control. Sacrifice your desires for the sake of the purity of your boyfriend or girlfriend. That is true love: willing the will of God for that person.
Also just to point out - there are certainly inappropriate actions that should be avoided in a relationship before marriage. These actions would be equivalent to touching fire to see if its hot (which is just unnecessary, we can all agree? we know fire is hot, so why test it?) I'm not just saying make your own rules but I'm challenging you to recognize the dignity that sex has in a marriage and its misplacement outside of a marriage and to truly love one another in such a way that makes you pure of heart and body and on the way to becoming saints, not on the way to doing something you cannot yet do. So don't start something you can't finish - don't get to that point.
If you happen to have pushed the envelop a little far or maybe if you've already had sex outside of marriage, its okay. Seek the Lord's forgiveness and healing that he longs to give you and ask for his Grace. Ask for the prayers of the holy saints who sacrificed so much for a life of purity. You were made for more than your mistakes and in God's eyes you are still infinitely loved so seek his compassion and his everlasting love and try again. Jake and I aren't perfect but we constantly refocus our relationship to God and try again.
Psalm 37:23-24 "Those whose steps are guided by the Lord, whose way God approves,
May stumble, but they will never fall, for the Lord holds their hands"

St. Thomas Aquinas, pray for us
St. Maria Goretti, pray for us
St. Joseph, pray for us
Jesus, Purity of virgins, have mercy on us.

What is Beauty?

I attended a Theology of the Body talk a month or so ago given by a beautiful Nashville Dominican sister. She shared with us a story she had heard of a man who had accidentally stepped foot into a satan worshiper convention. He said that satan and his followers had three goals: to destroy marriages, to destroy innocent life, and to destroy the distinctions between male and female. She also shared with us a picture of the face of a "beautiful" model and asked whether or not the model was male or female. I immediately sprang back to my high school days when I was obsessed with "America's Next Top Model" and tried to assess what appeared before me. The face was androgynous and turned out to be male. How frightening to realize that satan's ploys are alive in society today. The face of beauty in society today is becoming less the apex of creation who once held that role. There is a total reconfiguring and misunderstanding of beauty in society today and a total loss of true, authentic beauty.
In many of my recent posts I express the loss of understanding of beauty today. We see it in the way women desire to be anorexic, failing to embrace and see the beauty they have been created in; rather, they find beauty in a sickly appearance which lacks life.
Satan is the father of death - why on Earth are we listening to his idea of beauty?
This is a reason I truly believe Mary is the face of beauty. Do we have an idea what Mary looked like? Nope, not at all. We know she was a Israeli girl and thats about it. We don't even know her structure or size because as Catholic dogma tells us, she was assumed body and soul into Heaven. Sure we have numerous artistic depictions of her; as a matter of fact Mary has been one of the most influential figures for some of the greatest artists throughout history. But Mary is the Theotokos. She bore the son of God in her very womb. She, a human girl, brought to us GOD.
Satan is the father of death, right? but God, God is the light. In God all truth is revealed; all truth is brought to light. Christ is the light of the world who humbled himself to be born of a human, not just a human, but a woman who would say "yes" and redeem the one who disobeyed (I'm contrasting Mary and Eve here).
Christ illuminates the beauty of his mother and the dignity of all woman by coming to us through the womb of a woman. Alice von Hildebrand puts this beautifully. After explaining the unique way in which woman was created to be a mystery even biologically, for her sexual organs are hidden, she explains that woman has a unique mission in being veiled and in a special and sacred way belongs to God. Woman requires man to seek permission from her Father, God, in holy Matrimony before entering her mysterious garden, as von Hildebrand puts it. She then says, "The mysterious character of this garden is an emblem and a repetition, a figura, of the greatest event that has taken place in history: The Incarnation - God becoming man, hidden for nine months in the womb of the most perfect of all creatures -  the Virgin Mary" (83 von Hildebrand The Privilege of Being a Woman).
Through the mysterious womb of a Woman, the greatest mystery came to light and brought man to transcendence.
Satan's wrong. the androgynous face is not the apex of beauty, but woman is. The male and female play different roles, and although I do not lie one ounce when I tell my boyfriend I find him to be extraordinarily handsome as well as an incredible man of God, beautiful is never an adjective I use to describe man. A little boy wants his father to look upon him and say I am proud of you son. A little girl wants her father to look upon her with the eyes of adornment and say you are beautiful. Am I mistaken? Men certainly have power - we have yet to have a female president, there are numerous kings and heroes of war throughout history; there is no doubt that men are powerful. Ah but so too are women. The strongest woman in the world is never going to naturally be stronger than the strongest man in the world; I'm speaking physically. What I am saying is although society portrays the androgynous face of beauty - there are differences in male and female. So where does woman's power play into all this? Thats just it: her beauty is powerful. A woman's body can lead man to lust after her -  to view her as food for his passions rather than the apex of creation, a human made in the image and likeness of God and totally adored and loved by Him. However, a woman's body, veiled like she was created to be, is still attractive but when the light of her overwhelming beauty is shaded by self respect and virtue, her beauty can lead men to virtue.
If a woman's body must be veiled yet her beauty is still powerful in the ambition towards the Good - what then is beauty?
Beauty is not without the physical. We have to see that when we acknowledge that woman was created with a power to lead men to sin or to virtue and we have to see that when we realize the destruction of feminine beauty is one of satan's major goals.
A woman is beautiful. Women love to be told they're beautiful and love to be adored. But beauty has to be beyond the physical. A woman is seen as most beautiful when she stands confident in the dignity she was created in.
A persons dignity is rooted in God's love for them - that he willed for them to be. A man's dignity is most fruitfully expressed when he loves truly and authentically because he was created in love and made to love. A woman's dignity is most fruitfully expressed when she is loves truly and authentically because the same is true for her as well. These roles are just blessed with different gifts. I could expound upon the masculine and feminine psyche but I am just going to assume that you understand male and females are created differently. (we see this most simply because the sexes often misunderstand one another due to their differences. Although there can be a confusion of one another there is a beautiful compliment between the way a man and woman love.)
Woman is beautiful - physically. She has a power to seduce men into sin with her body and she has a power to bring man to great love. When she veils that which belongs to her Father she can bring man to virtue. By bringing man to herself by authentically loving him she leads him to truly love her and ultimately be virtuous and love God.
I would have to say that authentic feminine beauty encompasses a genuinely, natural face of a woman that shines due to the light of her virtue and awareness that she is infinitely loved by her creator.
But then you ask, how is every woman beautiful as you say if there are women like Mary Magdalene for example who did not always live virtuous lives? or what about when you did not understand your dignity as an infinitely loved daughter of the King? Because first of all God created each individual out of love and saw that he or she was good. He loves them infinitely and has infinite mercy on every person no matter what they've done and how far they've chosen to separate themselves from Him. This truth is beyond our understand and beyond our ability to judge.  Each woman was created beautifully and it is revealed most perfectly (and understood more clearly) when one says "yes" to God as Mary did.

Love.

I'm home for the night and let me just say, there is something about my mustard yellow bedroom and my antique bed that acts as my muse. Maybe its just the comfort and calm of home that puts my worries at rest and allows me to drift into deep thought (or stirs them up if left with too much time to think!). Who knows, but the sprinkling rain drizzling outside my window is helping.

I've had such a great week. I finished up a novena to St. Therese of Lisieux on Sunday because I've been incredibly stressed out and anxious for hmm I don't know - a month! and Monday morning I stopped by the chapel on my way to class determined that I would have a good day. Oh how the Lord is so good! Joy has been pouring out of my ears, shooting from my finger tips and toes! I've been crazy all week because I haven't been able to contain it! (Just ask my suite mates and anyone close to me.) The Lord's grace is so abundant, He just wants us to want the gifts he has for us - so ask! But I digress...



Along with the grace-filled week today I had the honor and privilege of riding the Megabus for eight hours munching on Cheez-Its and trail mix attempting to alleviate my nausea from the gas leak fumes filling the bus. You think I'm being sarcastic right? Okay maybe a little...but! It was an honor and a privilege because I got to ride a bus with a bundle of God's beloved children. Aren't I so lucky? Stop laughing at me, I'm serious.

As I waited in line to board the bus in the dark 6:45AM air of down town Charlotte I observed the diverse and unique crowd of people who I would be journeying with. As I looked around I thought to myself, "These people have souls. These people were created by God out of love and they have a dignity and a purpose and I don't even know them at all." No matter who these people were, no matter what they've done, what they do, where they're going, what they believe - they are loved and God thirsts for them. Isn't that so beautiful?

We rolled through the first bus stop and the seat next to me was then occupied by a sweet looking woman. Eventually we got acquainted she began to share with me a little bit about herself and her personal journey. We ended up talking about God, love and compassion. This woman had a beautiful, beautiful heart that has gone through so much. She loves her children with the most genuine and pure love a mother could have and she would do whatever it takes for them. As she shared with me her heart and love for our Lord I wanted to love her back. I wanted to listen to her and support her and share with her in return. I may not have the exact same beliefs as her but I learned so much about our Lord through her words and story, and by listening to her I hoped she would feel her dignity and importance in this world. She is a confident woman, a strong woman and a woman of deep faith who knows she is loved by God - but God still wanted me to love her on that bus ride. God wants us to love everyone.

Souls are so important, my friends! They are made for GOD! They are made for LOVE. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to hear this woman's heart today and to be able to share with her the love of the Lord by just listening, encouraging, and even sharing a little bit.

As she thanked me for our wonderful conversation and promised me her prayers a long with a wish of luck for my own journey I felt so blessed to have shared that conversation with her. I felt so honored to have heard how the Lord has worked in her life and to know the ways I can pray for her.
Each soul is such a gift and to experience the gift of a person through deep and intentional conversation is a unique and moving blessing.

In the end, Love is all we really have to give and there isn't a single person ever created, born or unborn, who doesn't deserve to be loved.

food for thought: 

THESIS! topic: authentic feminine beauty.

Yep, its true. I, Megan Fitzpatrick, have decided to write my senior thesis on feminine beauty - a topic I am more passionate about than I don't know what. I thought - since my blog revolves around my theological musings, constantly coming back to feminine beauty - would keep you in the know about what wonderful truths I find in researching for my thesis!

Up first, SHAME.

Graham Ward, of Oxford University in Cambridge, England, explores the theology of Adam and Eve’s shame after the fall in his essay “Adam and Eve’s Shame (And Ours)”. He first states, “the first effects of disobedience…was shame at the realization they were naked” (305). He recognizes the realization of nakedness as the effect of their shame because Adam says to God “I was afraid because I was naked.” Ward continues in his essay to define the shame we share because of the fall. He first notes that fear and shame are scientifically viewed as “the most basic human emotions” and that they were referred to as “the passions” (2). Ward defines shame as such;

“Shame exposes that which is most intimate about the embodied self, but it also exposes sets of values and levels of interest. We can only be ashamed if we care about something. So shame is both a very personal experience, but also a highly socialized event in the sense that it is saturated with social and cultural investments. Body, self and society meet around practices of shaming and experiences of being ashamed” (308).

His definition leads into how I want to explore Adam and Eve’s shame in relation to mankind’s fallen view of feminine beauty. In my thesis I plan to claim that woman is the most beautiful creation. A person’s body is an incredibly personal part of him or her. The body is also intimate. The shame felt by Adam and Eve, according to Ward, explains that our bodies are the most intimate part of us. Our bodies are extremely valuable to us.

In addition to Ward’s point, with our bodies we can give and receive the most intimate experience of love. There is something very sacred about the human body and women being the apex of beauty in creation have a unique value in their bodies. Women experience shame rooted in the value of their body also in relation to themselves selves and society around them. There are two pivotal ways a woman can experience shame that distort true feminine beauty that I want to cover in my thesis. One, in the way they view themselves; and two, lust.

            Ward makes note that Adam and Eve felt shame in their bodies, particularly their genitalia. Ward paraphrases and quotes Augustine’s theology:

“Augustine concludes that sin manifests itself in the disordered nature of human desire, and in sexual desire most particularly…Adam and Eve were not ashamed before the fall, ‘[t]hey experienced no motion of the flesh of which they would be ashamed,’ Augustine tells us. Their shame arises because they are sexually aroused and that arousal (…) embarrasses them. Concupiscence is born…because this movement of which it was ashamed came from the violation of Divine command” (308).

Ward’s mention of Augustine’s theology of Adam and Eve’s shame is the exact point I plan to make regarding our shame in the context of lust. After the fall the dignity of man and woman are violated by concupiscence. Therefore, beauty, most especially the most beautiful, is no longer easily perceived due to concupiscence.

            [TOB]

            Ward explains, “Shame is both a negative consequence of sin and a positive indication of the soul’s continuing nobility” (309). He believes that shame “can act as a drive to improve what Augustine describes as ‘this troubled state’ “ (309). He goes into how shame is a negative effect of Adam and Eve’s sin but the shame affects them as well, which John Paul II refers to the redemption aspect of their shame. They feel the shame of their concupiscence but the affect of the shame makes them realize there is something innately unordered in their desires. As I mentioned earlier, Ward states that they were ashamed because the “movement” came from a “violation of Divine command.” What Ward is saying suggests that concupiscence or lust is a violation of divine command and the shame they experience reveals the impurity of lust. Simply, their emotional reaction to being naked in front of one another is a negative experience they attempt to resolve through veiling themselves.

            Of course I need a further source to back this point up, and maybe Theology of the Body is my answer, but because women is the crown of creation (song of songs) and the fruit of the tree of good and evil give Adam and Eve a type of “knowledge,” it seems that suddenly man can see her beauty in a more fuller sense, but it is too much for him to bear. His knowledge, concupiscence, can lead him to lust after her, or her beauty, veiled, can redeem man back to innocence and led him to love. This point leads into the next point I will make in my thesis – that feminine beauty is so valuable that it can lead men to God. (I cant help think of Plato’s symposium at this point. If only Diotima was a Christian!)

           

Before I over do it – which, since I have already begun to make statements without much build to them or research to strengthen my point – I’ll call it a close. This article has so much more to offer in regards to my thesis and I’ve also begun to dive into TOB a little. How exciting!!! Hopefully I can tackle this topic well and clearly as well as learn a lot about it. Senior year seems to be pretty wonderful. Blessings, folks. 

(source: http://litthe.oxfordjournals.org/content/26/3/305.abstract - I can't give you all of the article because I got it off a data library at school and I'm not about to break the law but just to give you an idea of my source, theres an abstract. No, he's not exactly John Paul II but many of his points I have found line up directly with TOB. Cool, huh? More on that later...)

There is nothing that I hold on to

Oh, but there is.

truly free.

Lately the song, "Nothing I Hold On To" has been a re-occuring theme in my prayer life. Its so simple yet very profound. For those of you who either despise or can only take so much praise and worship, its probably one of those songs you imagine a bunch of charismatic folks singing seventy times seven times over. Yeah, like "Let It Rain" it can be over done but I find this song to be so powerful.

"I lean not on my own understand, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven"
Now ain't that the truth. There have been very few times in my life when I can honestly say I knew exactly why my life was going the way it was. We really never know exactly the magnificence of God's hand in our lives. We can never truly grasp his infinite Mercy and Love. So often in our lives we get wrapped up in whats going on, the possibilities, our fears, our passions that we forget that our lives are in the hands of the maker of Heaven, of our creator.
Now folks, I am a perfectionist through and through. If I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough. You know what they call that? Pride. But because I have a tendency to be a perfectionist I often find myself overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks in my life. I get overwhelmed in my relationships, in my spiritual life, in my school work, in my work, pretty much everything gets effected by it. I fabricate some master plan, that often contradicts itself or changes every ten seconds, to control my shortcomings. Its funny to God when I do this because I don't actually understand. I don't have a master plan to fix my shortcomings, which at times aren't even faults. When I sing this song I am reminded I have no clue what God's gonna do in my life. All I know is that he made me out of love and loves me infinitely and if I stop trying to perfect what doesn't need perfecting than I can allow him to guide me and form me. I cannot lean on my own understanding, I have to surrender my life to the hands of the maker of Heaven.

"I give it all to you, God, trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me"
This is one of my favorite lines of this song. I give everything to you God. But do I really? Do I allow him to have every part of me? And do I trust that he's making something beautiful out of me? out of the work or things I do? out of my life? Just thinking now, I can recall a few specific times in prayer where I have just cried out my desires and anxieties to God and I feel him simply tell me, "Do you not trust that I love you and I want to give you the best?" We cannot rely on our own understanding, we have to give it all to God and TRUST that we is making something beautiful out of us. If we do not believe that God is going to grant us our desires than why do we even ask? The desires we have on our hearts are from the Lord and he wants us to ask him. He wants to satisfy our desires and all we have to do is ask and expect - truly trust that he will answer our prayers. We have to give it all to him and trust that we will make something beautiful out of us.
This line speaks to me in a different way as well; in our daily life we can get anxious about the things that fill our day. I can try and be too "perfect" but God does not want us to be anxious, he does not give us anxiety but rather peace and so we must give it all to him and truly trust that he is making something beautiful out of us.

"I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open"
Have you ever been hiking? Up a really steep, steep mountain? I had the privilege of being surrounded by beautiful mountains while I was in Austria and hiked them. One day a couple of my friends and I decided to take the short cut down the mountain and we literally fell down it because it was so incredibly steep. Now I can't imagine hiking up that mountain without using my arms for balance or maybe even holding on to the nature surrounding me. As this song popped into my head the other day I imagined myself literally climbing a mountain with my arms stretched out, open wide. I imagined I couldn't help but stumble a little and lose my balance. I had to rely on my arms to help me balance myself as I climbed the mountain and the further up I went and the harder it became. Sounds an awful lot like what this song is asking. To truly surrender to God we have to let go of the comfortable and yes, we will fall, and yes, it will be frustrating and difficult and harder the higher we climb but we have to trust God to hold on to us and we have to let go of all control. Into his hands we must commend ourselves and climb this mountain with our hands wide open.

"Theres nothing I hold on to" 
Ironically these all tie together... lets go back to the me falling down an entire Austrian mountain scene again. There were times I held onto the trees to help me from falling but there came a point where there was nothing left except a bunch of tall grass which had no traction what so ever. I basically scooted my boot down the rest of the mountain; I literally had nothing to hold on to. This line brings me back to my perfectionism; my ideas and plans and control isn't going be enough for me to hold onto. It will pass me by and all I'll have is weak grass and I will no loner have anything to hold on to. I will need to free fall into the arms of Love, God. But if I was afraid of falling, of losing control, I would have stayed at the tree and clung to it but I wouldn't have ever come home. To stretch the analogy a bit further - it was dinner time when we finished our hike that one day in Austria so I would have grown incredibly hungry clinging to that not-so-tasty tree. If we stay stuck in the control of our lives afraid to allow the Lord to lead us we will get nowhere and we will hunger for Him with a very strong and deep hunger. If we hold onto nothing we completely abandon all that we cling to for "safety" and comfort and are able to totally surrendering to God.

Simple song? Yes. But oh so beautiful.

I hope these simple thoughts and meditations lead you a little deeper to our Lord. Praise Him.


I'm going to say in the context of this post my food for thought will be my first picture - "born to be free"

Oh Sweet Nostalgia.

Tomorrow morning I leave for my final year of college. Probably my last year of academia. I can't help but think of the numerous blessings I've had ever since I applied to the Abbey. Actually, even the picture of my high school soccer team makes me thankful for more than just my time at the Abbey. All these chapters of my life have made me who I am and praise be Jesus Christ He has never let me go and has led me in my life - whether I wanted Him to or not; whether I realized He was or not.
I was thinking about that day when I leave my parents house forever and what exactly I would want to take with me. That high school soccer picture tugs at my heart but what would I do with it? A little plastic frame like that won't quite fit my adult interior design. Why does it matter anyway? I have those memories in my mind and that was such a long time ago. It matters because that soccer team was probably my favorite high school memory and it formed me in a lot of ways. These little memories, little keep-sakes might be silly and "you cant take it with you" but those times in our lives make us who we are - who God created us to be. In those little moments God was loving the person we are now because He was helping us get here. Woah.
All the little decorations from numerous moments in my life remind me just how incredibly blessed I am for the childhood I had and for these past three years at the Abbey. Did I honestly just pack for college for the very last time? When I move back into my mustard yellow room at the end of my senior year I have absolutely no clue how long I plan to stay. A week? A month? A summer? A year? It's all SO exciting but so...adult!
If you have been a faithful reader of my not-so-consistent blog you will recall I didn't initially plan on going to college. And if you read a little more than my most popular blog post, Fear, Doubt, and Belmont Abbey, you will remember that a huge portion of my testimony is from my freshman year at the Abbey. There is no doubt in my mind that God truly changed my plans from cosmetology school to Belmont Abbey College for a reason, or a few. The struggles I've been through in college - from deep seeded wounds that needed healing, to spiritual ups and downs, to friendship lessons, to paper upon paper upon paper, to heart breaks - have challenged me in the most beautiful ways. They've revealed to me that under all my fallenness there is a woman God created me to be.

There are a couple huge moments in my college years that I wouldn't trade for anything. Of course all the healing of my insecurities and all that goes along with that I wouldn't trade for anything, but also starting this crazy blog. I sit amazed that I thought up some of these things and that the Lord used me to get a little bit of truth out into this often dark and scary world.

I'm also incredibly grateful for my time studying abroad. If anyone is familiar with the Abbey -current day- they will know that studying abroad isn't something people go to the Abbey for. Actually we got rid of our study abroad office while I was in Austria so its not really an option anymore. Praise the Lord for that time I had in Austria. It formed me almost more than anything else did in my college years. The memories and friendships I have from Austria are one of those most important keep-sakes of my life.

Totus Tuus. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity to be stretched further than I ever imagined. I am so thankful for the training I had, the challenge of leading a team, of teaching children from barely four years old to almost eighteen about the Lord, for the amazing team I worked with, and the numerous ways I am beginning to realize it formed me. I am also just amazed that I did that. It takes a Totus Tuus missionary to really understand what a Totus Tuus missionary goes through - I know because I didn't believe how hard it was until I did it.

Not to get all sappy on you but if it wasn't for Belmont Abbey I wouldn't be dating, who I believe is, the man of my dreams. I am terribly grateful for that first diocesan confirmation retreat that I helped out with not only because it opened my eyes to my dream job but also because the weekend kicked of my friendship with my now boyfriend. Jake and I have a crazy story of ups and downs, backs and forth, limbo and praise the Lord since June 7th, the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus this year, a relationship.
The weekend of the confirmation retreat Jake told me he thought I was really cool (after I did something super odd like sang to myself in a weird voice...classic) and that we should hangout. I proceeded to tell him I couldn't be friends with him because he was graduating in like two months and I didn't want to get attached to any of the seniors - I'd miss them too much. He told me that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard and then he came over to my room almost every night until the end of the semester when timing for us just wasn't right.
Jake moved to Alaska to be a youth minister when I was studying abroad in Austria and being away from everything we knew brought us back together and a genuine friendship truly blossomed between us. We continued to grow as best friends when I got back to the Abbey until we realized we had feelings for one another again but should probably not try to start anything considering the distance between North Carolina and Alaska (Ha!). So about a week later, Ash Wednesday, I told Jake I wasn't going to talk to him during Lent. To my surprise I ruined poor Jake's plans to ask me, the very next day - valentines day, to be his girlfriend. It was a tough month and a half but the Lord did amazing things in my heart that were completely not what I had planned. When Jake and I started talking again he was pretty peeved I abandoned him for 40+ days but I was totally convinced he was the one for me. I gushed all my feelings on him in total honesty leaving him pretty pissed off and terribly confused. Life was ...interesting for about two or so months until Jake came to visit a day before I left for Totus Tuus training. We hung out with our friends Patrick and Christina and witnessed their beautiful and holy relationship which really opened Jake's eyes to what he really wanted in life and a relationship. A week later I received a phone call from Jake and heard the most beautiful words anyone has ever said to me. A week or so after that Jake asked me to be his princess and the rest is history. Who knows what God has planned for us but I am so grateful God called me to Belmont Abbey and led me to that confirmation retreat, ...and Austria and Totus Tuus, because he has blessed me with the most amazing boyfriend I think I could have ever imagined. All those little chapters in my life brought us to this beautiful relationship we now have.

So who knows where I'll be in my life when I move back home. Who knows what God has planned for me this senior year. I am terribly excited to have a blast with my Abbey friends, to go through senior year challenges, to grow closer to the Lord in the beautiful Adoration chapel across from my dorm, and to grow more in love with Jacob Coffman. So many changes have been made in my life these past three years and all I can do is praise God for the life He has blessed me with thus far.

Heres my food for thought:

Prayer

I'm one week off Totus Tuus and a week from going back to school to begin the year that finishes off my education. Hoo-rah, I am so ready to have one more blessed and splendid year at the beautiful Abbey and then get scared out of mind to live the rest of my life as a responsible adult. Sounds fun! There are always little anxieties here in there throughout life - big and small, important, self-inflicted, or really stupid and pointless. Anxieties all the same. Something brings us back though, back to our center, back to reality - I'm not talking about what society thinks is reality because thats a bunch of ...well, you know. I digress...But being a responsible adult, buying a car, paying bills and loans sounds frightening at times, so does writing a thesis. These are just some things I can become anxious about and of course they need some attention and hard work when the time is right but it's the same with everything. My prayer life has actually been giving me some anxiety. You'd think Totus Tuus's structured prayer schedule would leave me set for life but actually that is quite a mistake. I had a schedule around my prayer schedule where my prayer fit in like a piece of the puzzle (to stretch this analogy further - no one likes a puzzle with missing pieces so the prayer was essential). Now that I'm free from my 7am-10pm daily schedule (no my friends that is not an exaggeration) I've also found it extremely easy to go a total day without prayer - I even forget to say Grace before meals a lot. 

Last semester my FOCUS discipler tried to gently beat into me the importance of structure in my life so that I made absolute sure I had time for prayer every day. I respectfully fought her on this (Sorry Sarah.) but now having been forced out of necessity to experience a very structured prayer schedule I see the beauty of it and miss it quite a lot. I'm excited to go back to the Abbey and structure my life again. 

I can't believe I just said that. I hate structure - actually at times I've resented it. I'm not the adventurous and spontaneous type that might suddenly decide to get lost in the wilderness (that sounds kind of manly to me actually) but I do like to do what I want, when I want and structure cramps my style. (I'm also very intrigued by the adventure of a thesis as painful as it sounds and of life after graduation despite how scary it may seem.)

Heres the deal though - Prayer is necessary. Not just in Totus Tuus. I've lived my entire life developing and re-developing a prayer life. The Lord has proven to me time and time again the importance of prayer and His desire for my time with Him. Truth be told all summer I was seeking that proof again. I prayed a lot and considered it necessary. I knew ministry is impossible without God's grace. However, prayer is not a magic trick that just gives you the strength to get through anything - its life with the Lord. Its time spent with the one who loves and knows you best, to worship and honor and love him and to receive from him the graces and love we require as His creation. That's what kept me in prayer all summer. And thats what keeps me yearning for it in such a new way now. I don't yearn for time with the Lord because I know he will make me feel wonderful inside. I actually yearn for Him because prayer is necessary. I have no choice but to yearn for the Lord. 

That is such a strange concept for me to grasp. Growing up I've learned that there are moments of consolation in prayer and moments of dryness and how true that is but despite that knowledge I still didn't/don't want to pray when I didn't/don't feel like praying. Now realizing that I have this quiet, innate yearning deep within me to be with my Lord even if I don't "want" to I'm starting to possibly grasp just what this whole relationship with Christ is about. 

We were made for Him. Absolutely, one hundred percent, no "ifs" "ands" or "buts" - we were made for Him and Him alone. He LOVES us. Absolutely, one hundred percent, no conditions. He desires us, yearns for us. Thing is He doesn't need us. He does not require us but he loves us, he created us simply to love us and to share in a beautiful relationship with us of perfect love. Sorry to break it to you folks but we're fallen and so our relationship with God isn't so perfect. God doesn't stop there though He seeks us and loves us constantly with his perfect love - standing there with open arms, thirsting for us, for our love. He desires to give us our eternal reward so that we may be in that perfect relationship with him that he created us for in Heaven. Prayer is essential to our love story with our Lord. 

Prayer is time to give to our God what is due. To adore and love him and to allow the one who knows us best, our creator, our GOD to take over our lives and lead us in love to Love. 

This afternoon I volunteered to take a friends Adoration hour at my home parish. As I began to journal a little  - one of my favorite forms of prayer (perfect for those with ADD!) - I realized how many things I was anxious about. Some minor, some important, some self-inflicted and silly. But I poured them in complete openness and honesty before the Lord, explaining to Him everything. Through journaling I came to contemplate solutions to my anxieties but in the end each one came down to just resting in the Lord. Every time I turn to the Lord in complete openness and honesty He snaps me, very gently, back to reality. He reminds me without sending me a voice or even a solution a lot of the time that He has a plan and He is constantly loving me and He is taking care of me. Without my time in prayer today I might have manufactured some grand scheme to some of my "problems" and taken the weak and frazzled reigns on my life but the Lord stood there with open arms, ready to love me and calm me down just like always. It's moments like those in prayer that I remember just how necessary God in my life is and giving Him my life requires time with Him in prayer. 

Living Totus Tuus

This morning my incredible Totus Tuus team and I kicked off our 5th parish of our summer, rolling into our 9th week of mission work. It's been one crazy experience for sure, filled with numerous blessings and challenges alike. A day in the life is never like the one previous and it is always packed to the brim with high energy, love-giving chaos. It's a 15 hour work day, 8 days a week - to say the least. But as my team and I were praying our morning Rosary together one this fine day I began to truly meditate on the mysteries, which so happened to be the same ones we have been teaching all summer; the Joyful mysteries.
Totus Tuus is a catechetical programmed and its name is appropriate. As missionaries for the Catholic Church we strive to live in Blessed John Paul II's motto, "Totus Tuus" which means "totally yours". JPII lived and called for Catholics to live in the spirit of Totus Tuus, giving yourself totally to Christ through the hands of His blessed mother, Mary. As I meditated upon the five mysteries I thought how the program truly enables us missionaries to do so. We teach the kids the very first class of the week that our lady said "yes" to God and this is called her Fiat. She said yes to what our lord was calling her to, although she did not understand exactly how such a miracle could happen, why she was chosen, and what exactly God had in store for her.
It made me think about my call to be a Totus Tuus missionary. I knew I was being called and I gave my fiat but man, was I clueless as to just what God had in store for me this summer! Everyday I wake up and say yes to being a missionary and surrender to God's Divine will. It's not an easy call. I'm constantly being challenged to grow in humility and charity, not to mention patience. Even with a schedule I'm never quite sure how a day is going to turn out and even at this point in the summer I don't exactly know why God called me to serve His church in this way.
The second joyful mystery, the Visitation. In this mystery Mary visits Elizabeth and both women share their gifts from God. Whats always been astounding to me is John the Baptist leaps in Elizabeth's womb at the coming of The Lord! My first thought which related me to this scenario was training. A bunch of missionaries get together and leap for joy at their excitement to bring Christ to others. We're like a bunch of John the baptists who are filled with joy of Christ, excited to share Him with others. And as missionaries we constantly go from parish to parish bringing Christ to others like Mary brought Him not only to John and Elizabeth but to the world! We share our gifts from the all good Lord with others like the cousins shared with one another.
The third Joyful mystery, the Birth of Our Lord, the Nativity. It might be six months until Christmas but I still found I could relate to this mystery as a Totus Tuus missionary. Christ came into the world humbly, as a child, an infant, in poverty. So too He comes to us humbly, in the form of bread and wine every day at Mass. He calls each of us, lowly as shepherds, to behold him. He makes himself vulnerable for us, like he did as a baby, His presence in the holy Eucharist is an outstanding mystery that is constantly misunderstood and even disrespected. Everyday at Totus Tuus we bring the little children to Mass and with them I get to share in that Eucharist and behold the true presence of God. I am reminded of God's perfect humility and everlasting love for us.
The fourth Joyful mystery, the Presentation in the Temple. "Who am I that I should be the mother of God?" were the (paraphrased...) words of Our Lady at the Annunciation. Her great humility is pronounced in her words and in the words of her Magnificat. Mary, although untouched by sin, is a human woman and she gave birth to our Lord and Savior. In obedience to the law she and Joseph presented the Christ child at the Jewish temple. I often am in awe at such an act because her child is God but she still presented Him. Mary must have experienced her humility at that presentation and said to herself, who am I to present God in His house? So too I constantly am humbled at my role as a missionary. Who am I to bring Christ to this parish? To teach these kids about Jesus Christ? I myself am on this journey and a student. But I obey the call of my King and allow His will to be done as best I can. Now - not only did Mary and Joseph present Jesus at the temple but Simeon phrophesied to Mary that she would undergo immense suffering; her heart would be pierced with a sword. And Mary still said "yes"! Mary loved The Lord more than anyone and was the closest too Him anyone has ever been. When Jesus suffered His passion and death she was there and her heart suffered with him - the worst suffering. Now I certainly don't share in that suffering quite enough because my sorrow at Christ passion is not remotely close to our Lady's but I share in it by uniting my suffering to Christ's passion - the suffering I experience in answering the call to be a missionary when I know it's hard and it hurts and I'm exhausted and have to keep going with no rest in sight. This mystery reminds me to imitate Mary by still saying yes to God even when all I want to do is give up because I have reached the end of my rope. Seeing Mary's example of such a perfect yes to God makes me run to her in prayer to intercede for me when I feel like I can no longer go on.
The fifth Joyful mystery, the Finding of the Child Jesus in the Temple. Mary lost God. Oops. That is a pretty serious mishap when you think about it but there is so much more than that. How often do I lose God? How often do I lose sight of saying yes to His will and I follow my own, seeking only my will to be done? How often do I turn to God in prayer and feel nothing? How often do I wake up and say yes to my mission and serving God and feel no joy or hope or love or simply don't choose joy, hope, and love? All the time. All the time. I lose God all the time. And just like when Mary and Joseph did not understand Jesus when he said, "didn't you know I was in my fathers house?" I often don't understand why I don't feel God or why serving Him is so hard, some days much more than others. But Mary trusted her son and continued to say yes. As should I continue to trust God in my life, having faith that He has a plan and keep going.
These are just some points of mediation I came across in my daily rosary this morning. I pray that Our Lady continues to interdeed for Totus Tuus and that I can strive to more fully give my life to her son through her hands. I pray that our lady may continue to show me the way to her son and the way to live my life in love and service of our heavenly King.

Totus tuus Maria! Mary, I am yours and all that I have is yours.

Sing Sing Sing

Its the eve of my twenty first birthday and I'm sitting in my room completely ecstatic about the upcoming events in my life, my birthday only being one event on the list. Unfortunately I don't have any midnight plans to ring in my first year of legal drinking. Hashtag, 'Merica. It's slightly sad but it was my own decision. Silly me. Anyways, these moments leading up to my golden birthday (it is my 21st on the 21st you know) I'm listening to a random, not-well-known musician who started following me on twitter probably in hopes that I would like her music and get her name a little more out there. She is pretty talented and I almost tweeted at her a kind affirmation letting her know that I hope she becomes a big artist one day. It led me to think about talents and in particular, my own gifts. I really, really love to sing. I feel a bit of remorse for not knowing how to play the guitar or piano or some instrument other than my vocal cords. I'll admit that there have been times where I've secretly hoped the Lord would miraculously give me a musical instrument talent. But if anyone knows me better, its my Creator and He is well aware I give up much too easily and a little lot of perseverance and discipline would only do me good. So maybe one of these days I'll actually get my hand-me-down guitar re-stringed and learn the darn thing. I am taking beginner piano for one credit in the Fall! Look! progress! Proud? Thank you, thank you. One day I will put these vocal cords to more use than following other peoples notes and lyrics.

As you've probably realized (and I've probably already mentioned this before) my dream job would be somewhere along the lines of speaking  about God's love and how he conquers our insecurities and the world can pose a big bag a lies that hide truth. As much as that truly is my dream job I also would love love love to do something with singing. I adore singing and I love to use my voice to praise the Lord (not only in praise and worship). I would love to use it as part of my ministry as well. Singing is just one of those things in my life that has always brought me back to center. My whole life if I ever was in a terrible mood singing always made me feel better. Even in my darkest days singing always freed me from my self hatred a little bit. The Lords given me such a gift thats played a huge role in my healing and I would love to use it to share His love with others.

Somewhere in the singing and speaking I wouldn't want to lose sight of writing as part of my ministry as well.

Stemmed off of my music musings I began to contemplate the other gifts the Lord has given me and I thought about my blog and writing. Now, I am constantly frightened to admit that I can write. (Here we go again, my fears ruining everything.) I am constantly afraid that other people will think that I write poorly. But you know what? I like to sing - so I sing. And people recognize the beauty in my voice that the Lord has blessed me with. I like to write - so I write. And I get As on school papers and people have enjoyed what I've written. So there. Take that fears! Alright, now that I've vented about my insecurities... I love this blog. Its had a lot of different themes. First feminine beauty, broadening to other testimonies and other inspirations, to traveling, back to inspirations, and now I'd like to attempt at simply sharing my thoughts - kind of like this post. This could be a disaster but I've obviously had a difficult time keeping up my blog so I'm trying to take a more relaxed route to see if I'll write more frequently. The Lord has given me this desire and this talent to scribble-scrabble my thoughts into the blogosphere so here I am world! Back in action! Wait - don't get too excited I have a very, very busy summer ahead of me. That's a topic for another post, another time.


Food for thought: "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her" Luke 1:45

"Lord I Need You"

Come Holy Spirit, teach us how to pray.

Okay okay, I've completely abandoned my blog, I know. It's been a crazy past couple weeks - or should I say months? After Lent was over school turned into crunch time and then into finals and then it was all over. My summer has simply been a blast thus far but, although complimented nicely with severe laziness, I've been doing a lot. Nonetheless here I am back in action with a little reflection from my time before the Blessed Sacrament today.

You know, I constantly forget that I literally can do nothing without God. Although I know that as a truth and I see it constantly witnessed in the lives of those around me as well as in my own life I simply forget to live with it in mind. But the Lord has been trying to call my attention to that very fact all semester and although I may have recognized it time and time again, I needed to come to a new understanding of it yet again.

This past semester I'd been incredibly blessed to have joined a prayer team on my campus. Although I've been exposed to prayer teams (if you've read my past posts you'd have known that) I didn't know the first thing about being on a prayer team. It certainly challenged me and taught me quite a lot - about prayer, about the holy spirit, and about myself and my relationship with the holy spirit. Lets just say learning about my relationship with the holy spirit wasn't the easiest lesson. I realized, yet again, that my fears held me back from being docile to Him and allowing Him to work through me and speak through me. Being on a prayer team I was called to intercede for whom ever we were praying for and with that be open to how the Lord wanted me to pray for the person as well as be open to whatever the Holy Spirit wanted to tell that person. I constantly found myself battling my ADD, battling vulnerability, and battling other fears. I felt disabled to be attentive to the spirit because of my ADD, I felt afraid to share what the Holy Spirit may have placed on my heart because I didn't want to be wrong, and I was afraid that I wasn't holy enough to truly listen to the spirit and I wasn't close enough to the Spirit to understand what it meant to truly hear him or to even listen to him in the first place.

It's funny that I was filled with these hesitancies and fears when the Spirit has shown me that He works through me - I'm reminded that when I look at this blog. But thats just one of those things that the evil one will use to keep us from the Lord. He targets our weaknesses and has us cling to them so that we wont allow the Spirit to set us free.

One day in prayer teams some of my fellow members were reminding me that my fears are focused on me and my abilities when in reality it is not I that is working in prayer but God and rather than sitting there trying to listen i simply had to surrender. Let me tell you - it's much easier said that done, as im sure some of my readers are like, "what is she talking about?" But let me share with you what struck me in adoration this evening.

So in Adoration this evening, I recalled that I literally can do nothing without God. I cannot even will my weaknesses away. Yes, I can choose between the Lords promptings and the evil one's but even that takes His Grace. I cannot simply surrender to God without His assistance. I cannot understand without the Spirits gifts (i.e. wisdom, understanding...).

Two songs struck me this evening at Adoration (there was a little bit of praise and worship). First was "I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven" These lyrics reminded me that we cannot rely on our own strength. We are NOTHING without Him. Without his love, we cease to even exist. Another line from that song struck me as well: "I will climb this mountain with my arms wide open."As I sang these words I thought, "Do I truly climb the mountain of life with my arms open, surrendering to God and allowing Him to pick me up like a father in love and lead me in His Divine will?" No. I rely on my own understanding much too often. I rely so much on my own strength; even in prayer teams and in so many other ways. I crumble in fear at the mountains of life because my strength is not enough - its not even enough to trust God. Only God is my strength and in Him I am made beautiful and strong.

One last song that deepened my prayer this evening was one of my very favorite praise and worship songs, Lord, I Need You. The whole song is such a beautiful and perfect prayer reminding us that every hour we NEED God and that His Grace is beyond our weaknesses and our shortcomings and even when we are faced with temptation Jesus is our strength. It reminds me that my holiness never gives me strength to be strong in temptation but true holiness is in the person who knows they are nothing without God, who embraces humility and sees themselves before the King of Kings - recognizing that they are nothing yet loved and priceless.

God's kind of amazing, you know?


Food for thought: "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4

Lent.

What a solemn time. Here we stand 28 days into Lent and I'm lazy. Don't get me wrong - I love Lent. Yep, I'm one of those Catholics who is actually excited about suffering for 40 days. Well, its not so much going through the pain that I enjoy but the hope that fills Lent. My Lent began rather joyfully, aside from Ash Wednesday on account of my ignorant fears because of my lack of trust in God. But I was excited about the challenges I decided to do after some prayerful discernment. I was hopeful that the Lord would draw me closer to Him and build me into a stronger, holier woman. But...I kind of had this one idea of what the "results" looked like and now having 12 days of Lent left I'm reminded of Christ's words to the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane, "Not my will but Your's be done." 

As I began to despair a bit this week and grew lazy in my lenten sacrifices I became afraid. I was afraid this Lent was a flop and I was a terribly weak and self-centered woman who would revert back to her old ways having gained nothing from these past 40 days. I thought I'd end up thinking, "What a waste of 40 days of sacrificing." But you see thats not it - its not it at all. Heck ya, I'm a weak and self-centered woman and I probably always will be. I'll just hopefully be less and less as I grow closer to Christ. There is no reason to grow afraid and despair though. 

I brought my concerns to the Lord and Our Lady in prayer and I remembered, first of all, that the Lord loves me even though I mess up all the time. Then I remembered that his promises and his mercy never fails. I made these resolutions for this liturgical season in the hope that I could more faithfully follow His will for me. I asked Him to lead me and I gave him these sacrifices hoping that He'd make something beautiful out of me. Why should I fear?

I realized that the Lord will not fail me and that His plan is most likely not my own. My human mind cannot contain the plans he has for me. As I was contemplating that truth I thought what if Jesus is asking me, "Do you not believe that I have a plan for you? 'A plan to proser you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future' (Jeremiah 29:11)." I felt that the Lord was asking me to stop focusing on the end results that I wanted out of Lent as if it was some 40 day diet and to remain strong in the present moment; to just wait and see what He has planned. And He asks, "believe me, Megan, try to believe that I have a plan for you that I made for you out of my undying love for you." 
So heres to the last 12 days of Lent. Remain strong in the present moment. Hope in the future that you do not know nor are able to comprehend. Believe that He loves you and keeps His promises. 

Food for Thought:
"They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles’ wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint" (Isaiah 40:28-31).

Gaming, Austria

Here I am. It's a new year, new semester, new place....except, old. place... Back to the old grind I suppose you could say. At first it was weird being back, but good. My mind was constantly flooded with memories from Austria and realizations of how much the Lord blessed me this Fall. Now that we're almost half way into the semester (isn't that nuts?) I'm feeling very at home at the Abbey and seeing how Austria really did kick off the rest of my life because this semester is easily becoming the best semester of my life. Austria really does change your life and I'm going to attempt to testify to how it changed me.

First of all going to Austria was a whirlwind of quick, spontaneous planning and to be quite honest I didn't think I'd be able to go. It worked out and August 18th I was flying to Ireland with some of my now wonderful friends.

view of Gaming from the front of the Kartause

You've heard the stories about trips and what not but you're probably are wondering, how was Austria - I mean that's where you were, wasn't it?
Austria was wonderful. Its beautiful there! and the Kartause was such a fun place to live and study. The food in the Mensa was probably the worst food I've ever eaten but I'll let that one slide. The mountains surrounding the Kartause are beautiful and even going on runs early into the semester was such a joy because i was surrounded by so much beauty. We hiked a couple times - one of the most common hikes is to book mountain where the austria program has a book you can sign. It's a tough hike, at least it was for me, but the view from the top is amazing and seeing millions of signatures from past students was so cool. One hike we took was to the caves - that was were I learned I have a slight case of claustrophobia because I ended up practically crying inside the dark, cold, muddy cave and running down the mountain to just feel freedom. Feel free to laugh, it's really funny now even though I was severely shaken up by that experience at the time.

the girlies before the cave 

Arriving at the Kartause I felt a little out of place because everyone had already gone to school together, although a lot of them didn't actually know each other that well or at all. After getting settled, meeting new people - which was honestly one of the easiest and quickest things to do, I began to really live the Austria experience.

People often asked me, "Did you know a lot of these people before?" or they'd make comments like, "Wait, you really don't go here?" or the most common, "I honestly thought you went here - you seem like you know everyone already." Now, I know I am an outgoing person; my temperament is sanguine-phlegmatic, but there is something about the Franciscan community and the Austria experience that makes becoming friends with people so easy. The wonderful people I spent my time with were easy to talk to, an incredible joy to be around, and they also were vulnerable with me and shared a lot about themselves which made being good friends with them quick and easy. I suppose I've only experienced the Austrian side of things but the Franciscan community there nonetheless is incredible. People really love each other and look out for one another on this journey we're on to Heaven. A lot of people I found had some pretty messy or broken pasts or even present struggles and were just seeking how to follow the truth they've found at Franciscan - that was a wonderful, some times frustrating, but beautiful thing to experience. I really enjoyed being a FUS student for a semester.

view of the Kartause from Book Mountain

The classes we took were incredible. Of course I whined and cried and complained all I could about them from day one simply because I wanted Austria to be about my experience, and me being cultured and seeing the world and I didn't want to think about school work. But looking back now they really did a good job not giving us too much work to do and in all honesty I think I learned more in those classes that semester than I have any other semester. The classes really added to the experience. The classes I took were Christian Marriage, Sacraments, Theology of Christ, Christian Moral Principles, and Philosophical and Biblical Themes in Literature (which was honestly more of a philosophy course than literature but it ended up being the most life changing class for me.) I can honestly say that these professors were phenomenal and not only were they brilliant and excellent at conveying knowledge to us, they were seriously amazing, holy men and women. Living in the Kartause in Gaming we were able to witness the professors daily lives with their families and see how truly and beautifully holy people they are. Just seeing how they love their families the Lord changed my heart and actually healed it. For example seeing Professor Cassidy and Dr. Newton love their children made me realize how much a father loves and even though my dad has a totally different personality and love language I realized more than ever how much my father, thousands of miles away at the time, loves me. Love you, dad! 

view from my window a week or so before Advent

But back to the education of things - I could honestly go on and on and tell you what I thought of each professor and what I got out of each class but I'll just share with you one of the most impacting classes - the lit class. We studied the theme of the transformation of love from Plato's Sympostium to C.S. Lewis' The Four Loves, to the bible - Genesis, John's gospel, Song of Songs, etc., to Kristin Lavransdatter - The Wreath, to modern poetry, to Madame Bovary, and finished the semester reading Kierkegaard. Plato introduced the semester with the questions, "who is love?" and C.S. Lewis gave us some answers, and the bible told us God is Love. the Song of Songs taught us "not to stir up love before its time," and so did Kristin Lavransdatter and Madame Bovary - incredible novels about young women who get swept away by their unattainable loves and romanic fantasies which lead to their ultimate downfall. These novels are honestly incredible. The message they deliver is that if you don't let go of the unattainable love, than your heart will not transform into the love Lewis talks about and the Lord shows us in Scripture. This class taught the ultimate emotional chastity. Its not about guarding your heart and never fantacising. yes, thats a dangerous pit to fall into, it's ultimately what Kristin and Emma Bovary did. However, its about being reasonable, selfless, and utilizing your desires for God's will and sometimes that means letting go of those loves. I can honestly say that my heart changed in that class. It opened my eyes to what unattainable or overly emotional love stories I wrote in my mind looked like and how to let go of them and allow the Lord to transform my heart. That class changed my life and honestly set me free of over dramatized sentiments without crushing my dreams of having a beautiful love story one day. Thank you, Dr. Carreño!

Something else I did in Austria was music ministry. I was in a group that sang at Mass on Thursdays and we were also able to lead music on our pilgrimage to Rome and Assisi. I wanted to make sure I was giving my life to Christ in some way or other because I apprehended the busy-ness of the semester and didn't want to get swept up in the fun of things and forget the one who brought me here. Of course the Lord drew me closer in so many ways I didn't even imagine He would but that was my initial intention for doing the ministry. I really enjoyed it because I had never done something like that and it was a fairly laid back setting. I loved my music team and the leader of my group encouraged me to cantor often, which was good for my courage. In addition to singing with the ministry group I would "jam" every so often with a couple of my friends and someway somehow I grew to be even more confident with my voice and harmonies. So being back here at the Abbey I've started to help lead praise and worship and of course got back into performing in coffee houses that FOCUS puts on. I just love the gift of singing that the Lord has blessed me with and the more I can give it back to Him the happier I am! Praise Jesus. 

Me and my roommate with our new friends at Urs 

Something I miss about Austria is going out at night to the bars; either the Keller, attached to the Kartause, or Urs, a bar with more of a rustic or pub feel to it just down the street. It was nice to be able to go out and just have a drink with a couple of friends. It makes me impatient for my twenty-first birthday since every weekend me and my underaged friends ask what there is to do since we cant even get in anywhere. Its not that we want to drink, its that we want to go out. But those bars also have a lot of memories attached to them so they hold a special place in my heart :) not to mention they have the best beer in the world. 


Oh Austria how I miss you. But I really do love being back at the Abbey. Praise God for all the blessings He's given me! 

Food for thought: "There's one way to avoid criticism. Do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Aristotle

"Jesus, Purity of Virgins, have Mercy on us!"

I've been a member of the Confraternity of Angelic Warfare for about a year now and prior to joining it I had heard so many testimonies of immense healing or growth in the virtue of purity. I, however, didn't experience any exceptional help or growth in the virtue but continued to find the confraternity important in my life; one reason being daily praying for my brothers in sisters enrolled in the confraternity. Well the Lord works in humble and simple ways with a calm and quiet voice so of course I was simply being ignorant and unaware of the ways He'd strengthened the virtue in me.
This past summer I kind of had a little bit of a panic attack on my twentieth birthday because I hadn't dated anyone and still remained unkissed. (Yep, it's true, and remains true to this date.) But in prayer one night, a few more months into the summer and past my May birthday, I had an epiphany. What a blessing it is to be so pure and untouched! I've had a lot of my friends expressed to me how jealous they are of me or how special it is that I haven't kissed anyone and I never really understood why but as they explained it to me and as I continued praying my confraternity prayers I came to realize how beautiful that purity is. I don't mean to say if you're twenty and have been kissed or well, more, that you're a terribly impure person; I certainly look forward to the day when I am kissed by whatever man ends up being my special someone. But there is just something special about saving that for him. 
Now having this beautiful realization of this gift of purity the Lord has blessed me with, I desired to truly treasure my purity. What I mean is, once I do start a relationship, I don't just through it all out the window or take for granted the gift that I've been given. 
So recently when I've daily prayed the two chastity prayers and fifteen Hail Marys for the confraternity I've asked the Lord to give me the gift of truly treasuring the virtue of purity. This intention has been on my heart and in my prayers for a month or so now, a little longer than I've been doing Louis Marie de Montfort's preperation for the Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary. I'm on the final stage of the preparation prayers which includes the Litany of the Holy name of Jesus. As I was praying the Litany for the first time since I'd begun the consecration I was struck by this prayer: "Jesus, Purity of Virgins."
Jesus IS purity. How can I help from treasuring my purity if it is Jesus? 

I just thought I'd share that little testimony to tickle your minds and maybe lead you to consider the virtue of purity in your life. 

Food for thought: Blessed Pope John Paul II's thoughts on 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, "Piety as a gift of the Holy Spirit seems to serve purity in a particular way by making the human subject sensitive to the dignity that belongs to the human body in virtue of the mystery of creation and redemption."