"My Hands Are Holding You"

Dear Jesus, Help me.

Amen.

Lately this has been the strongest prayer of my day. By the end of spring semester I yearned for the summer sun and mindless days where my biggest worry would be if I'd be bored or not. I didn't imagine I would be stressed to the point of tears this summer. As a matter of fact I anticipated my new job with my head held high, aware it would be a challenge, yet grateful for it all the more. 

Don't be mistaken - I absolutely love my job this summer. The parents I nanny for are wonderful people and they are always so grateful for my help. Their kids are fun to be around and extremely loving. Occasionally we face tough days but that's because growing up is hard, especially in the early elementary years, but I'm happy to be a part of their life lessons this summer. 

But here I am - Challenged. Challenged to be a loving nanny, to be a faithful daughter and sister, remain a driven student although it is summer vacation, to be a loyal friend, and most importantly to be a devoted daughter of my Heavenly Father. Working forty-five hours per week has seemed to drain me from most of my energy. Accomplishing the things I wanted to this summer seem to be close to impossible and preparing for Austria has barely even crossed my mind. 


I broke down last week when I realized that my summer isn't at all what I imagined it would be. Relaxation, lots of prayer time, preparing for Austria, spending time with family, reading, and writing are some of the things I had in mind and none of them happen often. Thankfully I joined a bible study group this summer which gives me a couple chances during the week to talk about God and talk to God; however, my daily prayer consists of a bit of chitter-chatter with the Lord throughout the day. Rosaries? Not much. Daily mass? It's a rarity. Quiet time to contemplate my God and simply be with Him? I miss it. I miss Jesus. I miss the St. Joseph chapel I could see from my dorm room at the Abbey and I miss 5pm daily Mass. I miss my summer plans. 

There comes a time in the midst of struggle when one realizes the challenge is in fact a blessing. After emotionally falling on my face this past week the Lord picked me up, dusted me off and said, "Look." I opened up my eyes and I saw strength. I saw growth in my virtues, particularly patience, perseverance, courage and even humility. I've been blinded by the stress and I haven't seen much except my weaknesses - my desires to give up, my lack of a solid prayer life, and my inability to get things done at the end of the day. The evil one likes to utilize our human weakness for his malicious intent to take back the world the Savior won for us. Here is what I have to say about that – You aren’t winning me. Because no, this summer isn’t exactly how I planned it. Duh, since when did I ask God for my will to be done? This isn’t my life. This isn’t my summer. It’s a gift from my Father. This summer I am learning weaknesses that I didn’t know I had, I’m experiencing strengths that I have, I am realizing those times that I forget to ask the Lord to be my strength, and again I am remembering how weak I become without the Lord yet how strong I am when I let Him hold me. I know the Lord sees how overwhelmed I am, and how much I desire to give Him more of my heart and my time. I find comfort in knowing He loves it every time I simply acknowledge Him and ask Him for His strength. I rest when He smiles upon me with unending love as He sees me make an extra sacrifice to love Him. I feel like my Father is proud of me when I accept the challenges that I face in my life. I’m not perfect, God knows that, He knows my heart, my mind, my emotions – even when I don’t and that is why I can rest.

My Father has the best intentions for me. (And the award for biggest understatement of the year goes to Megan Fitzpatrick) He has answered so many of my prayers this summer and I know He is preparing me for something bigger. He’s taking care of me now and in the future. I can’t be challenged if I don’t get out of my comfort zone so I must embrace the suffering. I must pick up my cross and carry it. Actually, I’m going to taking Simon’s role and help my Jesus carry that cross on Calvary because my sins are written on that cross yet He carries it. However He invites me to carry it with Him so that I might be stronger. Beautiful mercy.

Thankfully I’ve been able to schedule in some more prayer time and time to exercise. Summer is quickly coming to a close and it’s ending well. So here’s to summer 2012.

Blessed be His name and may His will be done at all times. Jesus Christ, I trust in you.

Food for thought: Jer 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

                             --The title of this post is from "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North