From Testimony and Beyond!

As I said in my first post, last summer I wrote my testimony on overcoming painful insecurities about my body. [It can be found on my mother's blog: http://darby-beyondpearls.blogspot.com/2011/07/journey-to-beauty-part-one-struggle.html -part 1] I wrote it in four parts. The first three take you through my journey as I struggle for perfection and self confidence. The fourth section gives advice as well as explains how I understand Christ's love for me and how I came to love myself. I wrote my testimony shortly - if not immediately - after I experienced healing from serious insecurities about my body image.

As I look back at that moment when God's grace poured over me and cleansed me from the poisonous grasp of society's lies about true feminine beauty, I realize that healing is a continual journey. While I was writing my testimony I had the idea, and certainly a feeling of freedom and immense joy, that even though I had a couple more things to overcome I thought I would never struggle with insecurities about my image again. Writing about my suffering and healing made me aware of how the Lord was continuing to heal me. He opened my eyes to experiences I had forgotten about and reminded me of all the little things that can easily pull me away from confidence. It's been almost a year since I experienced healing and wrote my testimony and since then I've given it as a speech twice; once to my peers at the Abbey and again to a group of middle school students preparing for their confirmation. Now I look back and see how much I learned since then and the experiences that add to my testimony - which proves that the healing doesn't stop.


The first aspect of healing that I needed after I wrote my testimony was healing from pride. Not necessarily vanity like I needed in order to love my body, but I needed humility to say, "I'm not perfect. I experienced this suffering and this healing - yes. I came to understand why I wasn't confident and why I should be, but I am still human. I still do fall victim to society's lies. I still have days when I don't feel pretty." I thought that if I was going to be vulnerable and express that this experience was a huge aspect of my life and truly who I am, then I had to be that and nothing else. I was still reaching for perfection, but not to "be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect" - to be perfect so I looked good. As I experienced several different small crosses throughout the year, that I carried or well...didn't, I realized that I can still hit rock bottom if I don't stay close to the Lord and try to seek His will at all times. I realized how small I am.

I think Satan really likes to attack us when we're already down. He knows that we're most vulnerable at those times and he takes advantage of us. There are times when I am sensitive about my image. Although I've learned that I don't have to be ultra skinny and have six-pack abs in order to be beautiful, I don't feel comfortable in my own skin at certain times. Sometimes I feel chubby and imperfect. I am tempted to compare myself to other girls and beat myself up about why I don't look like them. As annoying as these moments are, they are a blessing. It's a wonderful opportunity to surrender to God and be reminded that He is my savior, my healer. It reminds me that I am human and that I am made for more; that I will not be satisfied on this Earth and only He can satisfy me.


When I first experienced insecurities prior to my moment of grace I was basically in denial. "No! This can't happen. Jesus healed me. I truly believed He did! I told hundreds of people that He did and I have to believe this or everything is pointless." -- That's what I thought. You know how you can experience a "Jesus high" after a retreat but it'll wear off as if it's Tylenol you took for a headache? I was petrified that that was exactly what had happened. But it isn't what happened at all. Yes - Christ had given me one prominent moment where I finally came to love myself, be joyful in who He created me to be, and truly love myself but that was because of the journey He led me on. Ceasing the opportunities He placed before me brought me to that moment. He essentially gave me a back-pack of lessons, inspirations, and well, love, to pick me up when I am weak. He didn't just pick up His daughter who fell down, He continued and still continues to hold my hand - if I let Him. I can look back and remember what I learned and recall how He took care of me then, before then, and even now. I know that I am created uniquely to fulfill God's plan and that I have a beauty that only I can have. God gave that to me, just for me. Can you feel any more special when you realize that? It's thoughts like that that show me Christ's love shining on me and it warms and comforts me. He continues to form us - if we let Him.


"If we let Him" -- That is essential to healing, growing in faith, and becoming virtuous. We must choose it. When the Lord was placing challenges before me to make me a stronger and more confident woman, I had to choose to let God take care of me daily even hourly; even though it was hard. Allowing Christ to heal us takes humility and trust. We must believe that He loves us and is taking care of us. Just a few weeks ago I was feeling low about my body because I hadn't exercised in a while and I hadn't been eating very healthily. I was afraid that I would gain weight and feel ugly. When I feel that way I become petrified that I will stop believing in God's love for me and revert back to my mindset prior to my healing. After I prayed about it and took note of the healthy choices that I in fact do make, and reminded myself that being truly healthy, not looking like a photo-shopped model, is important, I felt better. (Using those tools from my journey -- you see?) After this struggle, I pondered those moments when I am disappointed in myself for not dieting and being a super-star work-out woman when I know so well those are lies. But then I thought...I just have to stop doubting that I am healed. I have to trust myself - trust that I can trust God. I have to believe that God did indeed heal me. Most importantly, I have to choose to trust. I have to trust that He healed me and recognize that I will never be perfect, but regardless, Christ is always there with open arms, loving me infinitely. I then coined this phrase: "Healing doesn't make us perfect, yet we must still trust that we are healed." When Christ died for us, He saved us. He opened the gates of Heaven and gave us so many gifts to help follow Him but we didn't go back to the Garden of Eden before the Fall. Regardless, Christ DIED for us. His love for us is endless and He sacrificed EVERYTHING so that we can be with Him in Heaven. He didn't come down to make it super easy for us, we were the ones who messed up, but to show us that He is still there for us even though we aren't perfect. He is dying (no pun intended...ha!) to have a relationship with us and He wants to help us and lead us like a loving parent wants to raise their child to be able to face the world with strength to achieve the most joy and peace possible. We just have to believe that and accept His love. Let Him love you. Believe that He loves you. Believe that He has saved you and will save you and heal you. Christ's death didn't make us perfect, but we must believe that He saved us and continues to save us.


I know I've been healed but I still struggle because I am not perfect. I never will be perfect and I'm not suppose to be. But that is okay. Actually, I love it. My God is there to hold me in the palm of His hands no matter what might happen to me. Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!


Food for thought: If love is not a feeling but a choice, then choose to love yourself.