Okay okay, I've completely abandoned my blog, I know. It's been a crazy past couple weeks - or should I say months? After Lent was over school turned into crunch time and then into finals and then it was all over. My summer has simply been a blast thus far but, although complimented nicely with severe laziness, I've been doing a lot. Nonetheless here I am back in action with a little reflection from my time before the Blessed Sacrament today.You know, I constantly forget that I literally can do nothing without God. Although I know that as a truth and I see it constantly witnessed in the lives of those around me as well as in my own life I simply forget to live with it in mind. But the Lord has been trying to call my attention to that very fact all semester and although I may have recognized it time and time again, I needed to come to a new understanding of it yet again.
This past semester I'd been incredibly blessed to have joined a prayer team on my campus. Although I've been exposed to prayer teams (if you've read my past posts you'd have known that) I didn't know the first thing about being on a prayer team. It certainly challenged me and taught me quite a lot - about prayer, about the holy spirit, and about myself and my relationship with the holy spirit. Lets just say learning about my relationship with the holy spirit wasn't the easiest lesson. I realized, yet again, that my fears held me back from being docile to Him and allowing Him to work through me and speak through me. Being on a prayer team I was called to intercede for whom ever we were praying for and with that be open to how the Lord wanted me to pray for the person as well as be open to whatever the Holy Spirit wanted to tell that person. I constantly found myself battling my ADD, battling vulnerability, and battling other fears. I felt disabled to be attentive to the spirit because of my ADD, I felt afraid to share what the Holy Spirit may have placed on my heart because I didn't want to be wrong, and I was afraid that I wasn't holy enough to truly listen to the spirit and I wasn't close enough to the Spirit to understand what it meant to truly hear him or to even listen to him in the first place.
It's funny that I was filled with these hesitancies and fears when the Spirit has shown me that He works through me - I'm reminded that when I look at this blog. But thats just one of those things that the evil one will use to keep us from the Lord. He targets our weaknesses and has us cling to them so that we wont allow the Spirit to set us free.
One day in prayer teams some of my fellow members were reminding me that my fears are focused on me and my abilities when in reality it is not I that is working in prayer but God and rather than sitting there trying to listen i simply had to surrender. Let me tell you - it's much easier said that done, as im sure some of my readers are like, "what is she talking about?" But let me share with you what struck me in adoration this evening.
Two songs struck me this evening at Adoration (there was a little bit of praise and worship). First was "I lean not on my own understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven" These lyrics reminded me that we cannot rely on our own strength. We are NOTHING without Him. Without his love, we cease to even exist. Another line from that song struck me as well: "I will climb this mountain with my arms wide open."As I sang these words I thought, "Do I truly climb the mountain of life with my arms open, surrendering to God and allowing Him to pick me up like a father in love and lead me in His Divine will?" No. I rely on my own understanding much too often. I rely so much on my own strength; even in prayer teams and in so many other ways. I crumble in fear at the mountains of life because my strength is not enough - its not even enough to trust God. Only God is my strength and in Him I am made beautiful and strong.
One last song that deepened my prayer this evening was one of my very favorite praise and worship songs, Lord, I Need You. The whole song is such a beautiful and perfect prayer reminding us that every hour we NEED God and that His Grace is beyond our weaknesses and our shortcomings and even when we are faced with temptation Jesus is our strength. It reminds me that my holiness never gives me strength to be strong in temptation but true holiness is in the person who knows they are nothing without God, who embraces humility and sees themselves before the King of Kings - recognizing that they are nothing yet loved and priceless.
God's kind of amazing, you know?
Food for thought: "Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:4
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