Docile

Pretty Place, South Carolina

This past Fall, while in Austria, my life was joyful, challenging, full of love, but all out of wack. I didn't have a routine which usual happens in the beginning of one's time in a new, exciting place but frankly, I never got into one. This means my spiritual life was changing a lot and lacking a lot of prayer time. I had a routine in as much as I gave glory to God through singing at Mass once a week with my music ministry group and attending Mass at least four days a week and frequently going to Confession but aside from that the chapel didn't see much of me, my rosary often sat untouched, and my journal tended to accumulate more dust than writing. Now this has happened to me before, I take one step forward and two steps back, and I slip into a lacadasical spiritual life. My relationship with God grows weaker and I tend to rely on the things of this world more than Him and so on and so forth. But this time it was different and I couldn't figure out why. I could truly feel the love and presence of God at all times even though I felt as though I was doing nothing for Him. I tried to put structure in my life but weekend travels and studies and every other reason in the book threw me off. I was confused - why wouldn't God let me slip away from Him if I wasnt doing anything for Him? How do I deserve His love? 
I brought my "laziness" to confession and eventually my confusion. The priest advices me to seek what God was asking in my life, how I could give of myself more. So one night at a FOP; a "festival of praise", which is a night of true praise and worship; I decided to go to a prayer team for the very first time with my intention, what Lord are you asking of me? As the prayer team prayed over me one of members received a word. This word was "docile." Docile. Hmmm... "You just want me to be? Lord?" Although I didn't exactly under stand what this mean, I was filled with Joy to seek the Lord further in understanding it and also that I might actually be doing an okay job in my spiritual life. 
I looked it up in the dictionary although I knew what the word meant but for me in my situation, what the Lord wanted from me, I didn't exactly know how it applied to me. My Mac dictionary gave me this definition: it's an adjective meaning "ready to accept control or instruction; submissive." Some synonyms are obedient, dutiful, cooperative, and amenable. What was the Lord asking of me? To CHILL OUT and listen to Him and submit myself to HIS will.
Easier said than done. I knew that the Lord was asking me to be still and let go of trying to control my spiritual life but rather to see how He uses me in daily life. It was hard because in my eyes I felt like I wasn't doing enough for the Lord. Going through the motions gave me a psychological reassurance that I was doing well spiritually however the Lord was asking me to let go of that and I didn't really understand why.
When we went to Rome and Assisi, like I said in a previous post, we were blessed with the opportunity to attend praise and worship at the NAC. When I was there I went to a prayer team of some amazing seminarians, this being only the second time I'd been prayed over by a prayer team before. Before walking to the back of the chapel to the teams I asked the Lord what He wanted me to ask of Him. I felt in my heart that I had been seeking to earn His love and that was why He had asked me to be docile all semester so I could learn that He loves me and I don't earn His love. So I asked the team to pray to the Lord to show me in my heart that the He truly does love me and that I don't earn His love.
This is what the Lord revealed to me through the prayer team; He said, Megan, I delight in you. There is nothing you can do that will make me love you more. There is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. I am Love, I am constant, I do not change. He told me He delights in the ways I love the people around me and gave a few more specific affirmations which matched up with affirmations He'd been giving me through my friends and people in my life. He told me he delighted in my docility. Woah.
God really does love us. It doesn't matter what you've done or do or will do - He will always, always, ALWAYS love you the same. Can you do things that hurt Jesus? Yes. Most certainly. But that is the beauty of His love. He suffered persecution, abandonment, the most excruciating agony in the garden, a terrible imprisonment and trial, and scourging. He was crowned with thorns, He had His garments ripped off His wounded body after His bloody wounds dried onto the cloth covering Him, He carried a cross with the weight of our sins upon it only to be nailed to it and to die on it. Why? Because He loves us! He loves us. We mess up over and over and over again but He it doesn't stop loving us. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow <3

Food for thought: "Docility, according to St. Thomas Aquinas, is related to the virtue of prudence. Specifically, it is that part of prudence that allows us to acquire knowledge through the teaching of another. The Angelic Doctor points out that even the most learned people need to be docile, since no man is completely self-sufficient in matters of prudence. We all stand in great need of being taught by others." "The Virtue of Docility" by Donald Demarco (http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/religion/re0657.html)